101 Funny New Year’s Resolutions For 2022

Forget Your Boring Juice Cleanse… Take Up These Realistic New Year’s Resolutions and Avoid Disappointment

Can you believe we’re halfway through January already?! The dust has well and truly settled after the festive season. We’ve waved goodbye to Santa, a healthy bank balance, and the DPD man (until next week); and we’ve waved hello to that human space hopper we see in the mirror every morning. 

By now most of us have probably abandoned those New Year’s resolutions that were meant to define our 2022.

Most of our ill-fated forays into self-improvement are linked to living our bestest, healthiest lives. Eat less KFC; drink more green tea. That kind of thing.

But if mantras like “eat clean, train dirty” make you throw up in your mouth, there is another way. We’ve compiled a list of 101 funny New Year’s resolutions for 2022 to put a smile on your face and help you realise what silly nonsense it all is. (Remember when Kim Kardashian vowed to learn to do the splits in 2016!?!)

These resolutions might not help with your health goals, but they will make you happier. As if we’d ever encourage you to eat fewer Greggs sausage rolls…

The Funniest New Year’s Resolutions For 2022:

  1. Don’t only get your news from Twitter… try Facebook.
  2. Learn when the final reductions go on items in the reduced aisle and build your shopping schedule around it.
  3. Incorporate when free samples are being served into that schedule, too.
  4. Go vegan for six months and give up after six hours. 🍔
  5. Live your best life and only buy bottoms with no buttons or zippers.
  6. Cultivate the confidence of Kanye West without the tone-deafness of Kanye West.
  7. Bring back a trend from the past… You’ve gotta still have a Von Dutch hat or Ugg boots in the back of your wardrobe… 
  8. Sign up for a marathon that you bravely will not actually run.
  9. Unfollow all the Kardashians but kontinue to keep up.
  10. Take up a sport that requires no cardio whatsoever - like darts or dating apps. 🎯
  11. Remember to make overnight oats the night before even though you know you won’t want to eat them in the morning.
  12. Glue some of those spare heels to the Uggs we mentioned earlier and start a brand new fashun trend. Tres chic.
  13. Refuse the replacement items in your ASDA delivery… Remember, you’ve got the power.
  14. Stop lying to yourself about following New Year’s resolutions.
  15. Limit yourself to two minutes to pick a Netflix movie. If it’s good, you’ll feel like you’ve uncovered a gem. If it’s bad, you’ll be asleep in no time.
  16. Turn all your high heel shoes into flats.
  17. Do something new every day, like wiping in the other direction when you’ve used the toilet.
  18. Wear less Spanx.
  19. Wear more Spanx.
  20. Invite a friend over for dinner and pass off a Gousto recipe as your own… Chef’s kiss xox. 👩‍🍳
  21. Refuse to acknowledge the entirety of 2021 during social gatherings.
  22. Manage to go the entire year without accidentally telling someone random on the phone “Love you” as the call ends.
  23. Savour every single trip to the supermarket. You never know when you might not be able to again… 
  24. Unfriend every person who shares their unsolicited diet or exercise regimen.
  25. Take more days off… It’s a no-brainer.
  26. Use the phrase “It’s a no-brainer” more often.
  27. Bring back the “So this just happened…” caption.
  28. Buy more printed t-shirts that communicate your love for pizza, as if you’re the first person in the world to say they love pizza.
  29. Take your vino game up a notch and finally get that posh Echo Falls Botanicals Raspberry & Lavender you’ve had your eye on for months.
  30. Go out with your mates dressed as Four Lads In Jeans.
  31. Do so much yoga that it actually justifies wearing yoga pants 24/7.
  32. Take up banana bread baking and claim it’s a retro activity from 2020.
  33. Try Just Eat instead of Deliveroo.
  34. Wake up before noon on the weekends.
  35. Live entirely on your mates’ free trials of Gousto, HelloFresh and Mindful Chef.
  36. Up your facemask game with fully customised PPE. (Did sequins and diamantes ever go out of style??)
  37. Build an extra room out of your empty ASOS boxes and have a lodger move in with you. 💰💰💰
  38. Uncover the secret to Paul Rudd’s eternal youth and adopt his skincare regimen.
  39. Don’t text that toxic person back. You know the one. We all have one.
  40. Fart in front of your squad with no shame #Liberating. 💨
  41. Only shop using sites that accept Klarna’s three-month payment plan.
  42. Stop making lists that include making more lists.
  43. Watch every single minute of Star Wars content on Disney+. (Should take you right through to summer.)
  44. Resist the urge to shave your genitals. Bush is making a comeback… and we don’t mean George W.
  45. Only eat madras when you don’t have work the next day. 💩
  46. Buy a chaise longue.
  47. Stop daring people to lick frozen flagpoles.
  48. Change your WhatsApp profile pic to a thirst trap. 🤤
  49. Be OK with having to make more than one trip from the car to bring in groceries. The human arm can only hold so much.
  50. Add the phrase “Think outside the clocks” to your business jargon.
  51. Use more business jargon in your everyday life. It’s scalable, robust and it’ll take you to the next level.
  52. Book that bougie trip, girl.
  53. Actually put on a full outfit for Zoom calls (although let’s be real, bottom half naked never hurt anyone).
  54. Get waxed without feeling obligated to make awkward small talk.
  55. Start using “no comment” when your parents ask awkward relationship questions.
  56. Stop telling the same jokes when you meet your friends. Or just make new friends.
  57. Take less selfies.
  58. Take more selfies.
  59. Give up blaming the family dog for every strange smell in the house (especially when you know it came from you).
  60. Read more (or at least turn the subtitles on while binge-watching TV).
  61. Search for something using Yahoo instead of Google.
  62. Keep kicking ass and taking names, because detailed record-keeping is important.
  63. Engage in workplace guerilla warfare by eating your colleague’s lunches and silent-but-violent farting in the lift.
  64. Read the books you take to the beach.
  65. Save money with simple life hacks like taping your vibrator to your toothbrush to make an electric toothbrush. 🍆➡️🪥
  66. See how many times you can press a train door button before it opens. Then continually try to beat your record.
  67. Tell the doctor the truth when they ask how many drinks - alcoholic or caffeinated - you have in a month.
  68. Belt out Adele’s new album all year long. No shame. No regrets. 
  69. Discover once and for all why it takes three attempts to plug in a USB cable.
  70. Stop.Googling.Symptoms. 😵‍💫
  71. Avoid food waste by eating the whole packet of custard creams in one sitting.
  72. Start washing your hands after you go to the toilet.
  73. Stop treating Jaffa Cakes as one of your 5-a-day.
  74. Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
  75. Stop trusting the Top 10 Most Popular on Netflix list. 
  76. Never meecro-waavay a fork again! 🤦
  77. Quit your job to guarantee you won't get sacked.
  78. Remind yourself of your intellectual superiority by making Alexa contradict herself… himself? Themself?!
  79. Remember to use the correct pronouns for people.
  80. Stop referring to autumn as Pumpkin Spice Latte Season.
  81. Only eat white snow.
  82. Keep it to yourself that you have trouble with authority when being interviewed.
  83. Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube. 🐱
  84. Check your work e-mail at least once this year.
  85. Switch your username to “password” and your password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
  86. Watch less TV… in standard definition.
  87. Finally finish reading Fifty Shades of Gray.
  88. Switch from eBay to Vinted and tell everyone you’ve switched from eBay to Vinted.
  89. Spend less than £1,825 on coffee at Costa this year.
  90. Claim all your plants as dependents on your tax return. 🪴
  91. Only eat McDonald’s when there’s an E in the month.
  92. Do your part to save the planet by reusing your lateral flow tests.
  93. Start a wellness blog and watch it morph into a moaning blog.
  94. Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
  95. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
  96. Lose weight by living on the moon. 🌝
  97. Find a more accurate set of scales. 
  98. Stop buttering your doughnuts. 
  99. Perfect that Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.
  100. Borrow things more often. Return them less often.
  101. Pay off your credit cards every month in full… with your other credit cards.

We'd like to hear from you... Tell us your funniest/most realistic/most outrageous New Year's resolutions. You never know, we might just take them up!

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