101 Funny New Year’s Resolutions For 2026

Forget Fibremaxxing… Take Up These Realistic New Year’s Resolutions and Avoid Disappointment

Can you believe we’re nearly at the end of 2025?! The festive season is in full swing. Black Friday is behind us and we're looking forward to silly season, an unhealthy bank balance, and getting on first name terms with the UPS guy.

It might be too early to consider New Year's resolutions for 2026 (At least let me stuff myself with turkey first!!). But it's never too early to plan ahead and think how future you will feel after a month of maximal indulgence.

But hey, we're not here to shame anyone. Most of our ill-fated forays into self-improvement have been linked to living our bestest, healthiest lives. Eat less KFC; drink more green tea. That kind of thing.

But if, like us, mantras like “eat clean, train dirty” make you throw up in your mouth, there is another way. We’ve compiled a list of 101 funny New Year’s resolutions for 2026 to put a smile on your face and help you realise what silly nonsense it all is. (Remember when Kim Kardashian vowed to learn to do the splits in 2016!?!)

These resolutions might not help with your health goals, but they will make you happier. As if we’d ever encourage you to eat fewer Greggs sausage rolls…

The Funniest New Year’s Resolutions For 2026:

1. Don’t only get your news from Twitter… try Facebook.
2. Learn when the final reductions go on items in the reduced aisle and build your shopping schedule around it.
3. Incorporate when free samples are being served into that schedule, too.
4. Go vegan for six months and give up after six hours. 🍔
5. Live your best life and only buy bottoms with no buttons or zippers.
6. Cultivate the confidence of Kanye West without the tone-deafness of Kanye West.
7. Stop claiming you’re “not really a pudding person” while inhaling a family-sized tiramisu.
8. Sign up for a marathon that you bravely will not actually run.
9. Stop calling everything your “Roman Empire.” You get one – and it’s Strictly Come Dancing.
10. Take up a sport that requires no cardio whatsoever - like darts or dating apps. 🎯
11. Remember to make overnight oats the night before even though you know you won’t want to eat them in the morning.
12. Accept that Crocs are now formal wear and stride confidently into 2026.
13. Refuse the replacement items in your ASDA delivery… Remember, you’ve got the power.
14. Stop lying to yourself about following New Year’s resolutions.
15. Limit yourself to two minutes to pick a Netflix movie. If it’s good, you’ll feel like you’ve uncovered a gem. If it’s bad, you’ll be asleep in no time.
16. Open your Notes app and delete at least one of the 247 shopping lists you’ve made since 2019.
17. Do something new every day, like wiping in the other direction when you’ve used the toilet.
18. Glue some of those spare heels to the Crocs we mentioned earlier and start a brand new fashun trend, hunni! Tres chic.
19. Wear less Spanx.
20. Wear more Spanx.
21. Invite a friend over for dinner and pass off a Gousto recipe as your own… Chef’s kiss xox. 👩🍳
22. Organise your kitchen cupboards so well you briefly consider becoming an influencer… then remember you hate filming yourself.
23. Manage to go the entire year without accidentally telling someone random on the phone “Love you” as the call ends.
24. Say no to plans unless they involve brunch, a sofa, or something you can leave by 9pm.
25. Unfriend every person who shares their unsolicited diet or exercise regimen.
26. Take more days off… It’s a no-brainer.
27. Use the phrase “It’s a no-brainer” more often.
28. Bring back the “So this just happened…” caption.
29. Buy more printed t-shirts that communicate your love for pizza, as if you’re the first person in the world to say they love pizza.
30. Level up your wine game by pretending you understand orange wine. It can't just be oranges??
31. Drink more water. Or at least buy a new fancy water bottle that makes you feel hydrated.
32. Do so much yoga that it actually justifies wearing yoga pants 24/7.
33. Spend less time stalking ex-colleagues on Facebook… but absolutely continue judging their life choices.
34. Try Just Eat instead of Deliveroo.
35. Wake up before noon on the weekends.
36. Live entirely on your mates’ free trials of Gousto, HelloFresh and Mindful Chef.
37. Attempt Dry January. Make it to the 3rd. Blame The Traitors.
38. Build an extra room out of your empty Amazon boxes and have a lodger move in with you. 💰💰💰
39. Discover how Pedro Pascal is ageing backwards and copy his moisturiser routine immediately.
40. Don’t text that toxic person back. You know the one. We all have one.
41. Fart in front of your squad with no shame #Liberating. 💨
42. Only shop using sites that accept Klarna’s three-month payment plan.
43. Stop making lists that include making more lists.
44. Watch every single minute of Star Wars content on Disney+. (Should take you right through to summer.)
45. Resist the urge to shave your genitals. Bush is making a comeback… and we don’t mean George W.
46. Only eat madras when you don’t have work the next day. 💩
47. Buy a chaise longue.
48. Stop daring people to lick frozen flagpoles.
49. Change your WhatsApp profile pic to a thirst trap. 🤤
50. Be OK with having to make more than one trip from the car to bring in groceries. The human arm can only hold so much.
51. Add the phrase “Think outside the clocks” to your business jargon.
52. Use more business jargon in your everyday life. It’s scalable, robust and it’ll take you to the next level.
53. Book that bougie trip, girl.
54. Actually put on a full outfit for Zoom calls (although let’s be real, bottom half naked never hurt anyone).
55. Get waxed without feeling obligated to make awkward small talk.
56. Start using “no comment” when your parents ask awkward relationship questions.
57. Stop telling the same jokes when you meet your friends. Or just make new friends.
58. Take less selfies.
59. Take more selfies.
60. Give up blaming the family dog for every strange smell in the house (especially when you know it came from you).
61. Read more (or at least turn the subtitles on while binge-watching TV).
62. Try using Bing for a week and see if you can still look your friends in the eye.
63. Keep kicking ass and taking names, because detailed record-keeping is important.
64. Engage in workplace guerilla warfare by eating your colleague’s lunches and silent-but-violent farting in the lift.
65. Read the books you take to the beach.
66. Save money with simple life hacks like taping your vibrator to your toothbrush to make an electric toothbrush. 🍆➡️🪥
67. See how many times you can press a train door button before it opens. Then continually try to beat your record.
68. Tell the doctor the truth when they ask how many drinks - alcoholic or caffeinated - you have in a month.
69. Belt out Adele’s new album all year long. No shame. No regrets. 
70. Discover once and for all why it takes three attempts to plug in a USB cable.
71. Stop.Googling.Symptoms. 😵💫
72. Avoid food waste by eating the whole packet of custard creams in one sitting.
73. Start washing your hands after you go to the toilet.
74. Stop treating Jaffa Cakes as one of your 5-a-day.
75. Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
76. Stop trusting the Top 10 Most Popular on Netflix list. 
77. Stop trying to “save the posh cheese” for a special occasion. You are the special occasion.
78. Quit your job to guarantee you won't get sacked.
79. Remind yourself of your intellectual superiority by making Alexa contradict herself… himself? Themself?!
80. Finally learn what threads is, then continue to never use it.
81. Stop referring to autumn as Pumpkin Spice Latte Season.
82. Only eat white snow.
83. Keep it to yourself that you have trouble with authority when being interviewed.
84. Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube. 🐱
85. Check your work e-mail at least once this year.
86. Switch your username to “password” and your password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
87. Watch less TV… in standard definition.
88. Finally get around to reading every Sally Rooney book. Are you really alive if you don't?!
89. Start selling worn-once outfits on Depop for 400% markup like a fashion goblin.
90. Spend less than £1,825 on coffee at Costa this year.
91. Claim all your plants as dependents on your tax return. 🪴
92. Only eat McDonald’s when there’s an E in the month.
93. Buy that posh bottle of balsamic from Fortnum & Mason and drizzle it on absolutely everything like the domestic goddess you are.
94. Start a wellness blog and watch it morph into a moaning blog.
95. Gain enough weight that your smartwatch starts sending you concerned notifications.
96. Lose weight by switching your phone’s camera to 0.5x permanently. 🌝
97. Find a more accurate set of scales. 
98. Stop buttering your doughnuts. 
99. Perfect that Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.
100. Borrow things more often. Return them less often.
101. Pay off your credit cards every month in full… with your other credit cards.

We'd like to hear from you... Tell us your funniest/most realistic/most outrageous New Year's resolutions. You never know, we might just take them up!